Why Leaving is so Hard
Leaving an abusive relationship is never as simple as just walking away. For many victims, there are powerful, invisible forces and barriers to escape. Abuse does not occur in a vacuum; many risk factors and systemic inequalities play a part in perpetuating intimate partner violence (IPV). This post identifies some of the barriers women face when trying to escape an abusive relationship and how you can support a victim of IPV.
Invisible forces at work
Invisible barriers such as cultural expectations, religious beliefs, and generational patterns impact victims’ ability to leave an abusive relationship. Some women have been socialized to believe they are responsible for fixing their family or marriage. Many cultures hold the view that a woman’s responsibility in a relationship is to “keep the peace.” There is often shame associated with IPV becoming known.
“Women do have the choice to stay, take a break, or to leave, but women are expected to be strong and resilient in family and marital life.” (Asian Pacific Institute on Gender-Based Violence, 2018)
When the system fails you
Intersectionality refers to the experience of individuals who hold multiple marginalized identities, which can create unique challenges others may not face. For example, a Black trans woman or a homeless, disabled elderly person experiences overlapping forms of oppression. When individuals with intersecting identities find themselves in abusive relationships which occurs more often than for those without such intersecting vulnerabilities, it can be even more difficult to leave, as they face added discrimination, bias, and stigma.
Physical factors such as financial dependence or the need for a partner’s assistance with daily care can also leave victims without options. Abusers often mirror the violence, sexism, and oppression perpetuated by society. This means that individuals who are systemically oppressed (such as Indigenous or trans people) are at greater risk of experiencing abuse and often face more significant obstacles to escaping it.
Isolation and the cycle of abuse
The cycle of abuse is a tactic used to confuse, disorient, and manipulate a victim’s behavior and perception. The cycle often begins as the tension builds. The victim may feel as if they are walking on eggshells to avoid upsetting their partner. Next comes an incident, which can include physical, emotional, sexual, or verbal abuse. This is when the tension is released through an act of harm or control. After the incident, the abuser may apologize and promise to change their behavior. During this phase, they might act more loving, attentive, or generous. This can lead to confusion and hope that the abuse will end. Finally, there is a period of calm when the relationship may appear to be improving. It’s common during this stage for one or both partners to minimize abuse. This cycle leaves victims confused and sometimes convinced their partner is not truly abusive because of the “good” periods in between. As a result, many women remain in the relationship for a long time.
For individuals living in rural areas, escape options are often limited, especially if they lack a support network or live far from resources. Victims of financial abuse may also face barriers such as no access to funds or transportation. If you have no money or a bank account, leaving and starting over can feel impossible.
More than one life at stake
When trying to leave an abusive relationship, if children and pets are involved, things get even more complicated. Often, individuals with pets escaping Domestic or intimate partner violence have no options for their pets. If they don’t have family or friends to take their pet, they must leave them behind or pay for a kennel or boarding, and these often cost quite a bit. When children are involved, it is a lot harder to leave; many victims find themselves fighting for custody or fighting to prevent the abuser from having access to the children. There is also the added factor of leaving being the most dangerous time for victims and their children. The fear of retaliation on themselves or their children can be debilitating, and the risk of their safety is real and immediate.
What can YOU do
If someone you know is experiencing abuse or intimate partner violence the most important thing you can do for them is listen without judgement, we need to believe survivors and validate their experiences. Offer them resources for shelters, counseling or other services rather than insisting or pushing them to leave. Be patient with them as it often takes many attempts before a victim finally leaves. Lastly, you can advocate for change and awareness within your community, attend marches, volunteer, and fundraising opportunities. We can work together to fight Gender based, and intimate partner violence.
Author: Emma Karnik, placement student at Alternatives for Women
References and Resources
Asian Pacific Institute on Gender‑Based Violence. (2018, April). Fact sheet: Pacific Islanders and domestic & sexual violence. https://api-gbv.org/wp-content/uploads/2019/02/DVFactSheet-Pacific-Islander-Apr-2018-formatted-2019.pdf
Women Against Abuse. (n.d.). Why it’s so difficult to leave. https://www.womenagainstabuse.org/education-resources/learn-about-abuse/why-its-so-difficult-to-leave
WomensLaw.org. (2024, May 14). People with disabilities. WomensLaw.org. https://www.womenslaw.org/about-abuse/abuse-specific-communities/people-disabilities
