We Need to Talk About Filial Domestic Violence

When people hear the words domestic violence they usually think of intimate partner violence, but there is another form of domestic violence that’s just as real and often just as dangerous, although few want to talk about it: Parents who are abused and sometimes killed by their own children.

This is called filial domestic violence. In my work, it’s not rare and it’s not mild. It’s common, extreme, and almost never named for what it really is.

Advice for Parents
Because I couldn’t find resources that spoke directly to this experience, I adapted the work on intimate partner violence into a framework for parents. These are the first principles I teach my parent clients when we begin working together.

1. You can passionately love your child and still tell the truth. You can remember your sweet baby, your funny seven-year-old, your brilliant teenager. None of that disappears. But to survive what is happening now and to get your child the help they need, you must look at their current behavior without flinching. The reality in front of you matters more than the memories behind you.
2. Abuse is abuse, even when serious mental illness is involved. Untreated or poorly treated bipolar disorder and psychotic disorders can create aggressive and dangerous symptoms. High-potency THC often intensifies them. Serious mental illness can help explain abusive behavior. It does not excuse it. It does not erase harm.
3. The relationship doesn’t protect you from harm. Being a loving, attentive parent does not immunize you against abuse. A well-raised child with no obvious childhood adversity can still become dangerous when serious mental illness and substance use are present. People often direct their most frightening behavior toward those they are closest to.

Link to full story here.