The Silent Warning Signs: Recognizing Red Flags in Relationships

Understanding red flags and trusting your gut 

Relationships should make us feel seen, valued, and supported. But when small actions or behaviours lead to inequality, it can give you a bad gut feeling. These warning signs are called red flags, and they are the first sign that you may be in a relationship with an unsafe person. If you are feeling controlled, disrespected or isolated in your relationship, but are unsure if it is normal, this post will help you identify some of the more covert forms of abuse, power, and control you may have missed. We will break down what these behaviors look like, why they are considered red flags, and how to get help if you believe your partner is unsafe. 

Emotional manipulation and recognizing coercive control 

Coercive control and emotional manipulation can be very hard to identify in a relationship. Abusers that use this tactic often excuse these behaviors by saying they are just concerned, involved or protecting you. It may start with your partner making comments about the clothes you wear, or the fact that you didn’t answer their text immediately. This behaviour may escalate by bringing these things up more often, demanding access to your location and asking for proof. They may install tracking systems onto your devices or restrict access to your phone. Their moods may change very suddenly leaving you feeling anxious and confused. This confusion helps them control you even further as they may begin to gaslight you. Gaslighting involves your partner questioning your recollection of facts, denying previous statements or actions and pretending not to understand facts. Gaslighting plays on your empathy and self-doubt, causing you to doubt your own reality. These patterns are about power and control.  

The role of sexism  

Sexism shows up in relationships in quiet but dangerous ways. It can begin small, maybe your partner expects you to do what they say without question. Often this is not communicated out loud but rather implied that you will obey them. Your partner may treat you as less than, or unintelligent. They may ignore your opinions or make subtle remarks like “you wouldn’t be able to understand” or “women are too emotional”.  Another red flag is if your partner makes you feel incapable or dependent on them. This tactic is used to make you feel weak and less than, so that you are less likely to leave. They may also make jokes or minimizing comments about women in general. This attitude comes from the belief that men are superior and can ultimately lead to a controlling and abusive relationship over time. 

Isolation and devaluation  

Your support systems are incredibly important. Social and emotional connections help us cope with life and feel fulfilled. When a partner tries to isolate you, it cuts off the other individuals in your life that you could go to for help or who would notice you being mistreated. Often this is done by driving a wedge into your relationship. Your partner may speak negatively about your family or friends to plant seeds of doubt in your mind. They may also tell your family and friends lies about you to paint you as the villain so that it’s harder to reach out for help. They may also physically isolate you by moving you to a town or province far away from your support system. Another red flag is controlling your access to a vehicle or phone. These isolation tactics can be dangerous and are warning signs that this individual is unsafe and has bad intentions.  

Getting help  

If you recognize any of these red flags in your own relationship, know you are not alone, and it is not your fault that you are being treated this way. Abuse comes in many forms and is not just considered physical violence. If you are experiencing any of these behaviours and need help, your first step should be reaching out for support. Speak to a family member or friend you trust and create a safety plan. A safety plan consists of steps you can take to increase your safety, such as where you keep important documents and who to call if you are in danger.

The crisis line for Alternatives for Women can be reached at any time of the day at 613-476-2787. For more information on how to create a safety plan, visit the safety planning page on our website:  Safety Planning – Alternatives for Women  

You deserve to feel safe, loved, and valued in every relationship. 

Author: Emma Karnik, placement student at Alternatives for Women

Resources 

Safety planning tool – CAM-tool-detailed-safety-planprint.pdf  

More red flags – Know the Red Flags of Abuse – The Hotline 

Read more on IPV – Intimate Partner Violence: Types, Signs, Causes, and Impact