About Intimate Partner Violence (IPV)
IPV can happen in various kinds of relationships, and can take many forms
It can happen within a marriage, common-law, or dating relationship regardless of the gender and sexual orientation of the partners. It can occur at any time during a relationship and after it has ended. It can happen whether or not the partners live together or are sexually intimate with one another.
Harm is a result of a person looking to gain power or control over their partner. It threatens the safety and security of the partner and the children and can take many forms, such as emotional abuse, verbal abuse, financial abuse, spiritual abuse, physical abuse, sexual abuse and psychological abuse.
Checklist for women
Not sure if what you are experiencing is abuse? Download our checklist.
Understanding power and control vs. equality
Abuse is any attempt to gain power or control over another person using physical, emotional, sexual, or financial tactics. Power and control are at the center of an abusive relationship.
The opposite of an abusive relationship is a healthy relationship which is based on equality. Both people in the relationship believe they are equal and neither tries to gain power or control over the other.
Cycle of violence
The cycle of violence consists of three phases. Tension builds over a period of time. Then comes the crisis, followed by a calm reconciliation phase.
Why does abuse happen?
Abuse is used as a means for gaining and keeping control over someone else. Abusers come from all backgrounds and groups. Abusing a partner is a choice and learned behavior. For these reasons, the cause of intimate partner abuse can not be attributed to one factor.
Myths about abuse
- When a couple is having a domestic violence problem, it is just that they have a bad relationship. Often, it’s poor communication that’s the problem.
- Most domestic violence incidents are caused by alcohol or drug use.
- Domestic violence is often triggered by stress, e.g.: the loss of a job, financial, or marital problems.
- Most domestic violence occurs in marginalized communities.
- Abused women hate men.
- A woman who is physically abused brings it on herself by nagging or provoking her partner.
- Domestic violence is a loss of control.
Why do women stay?
Individuals who have never experienced abuse don’t always understand why someone who has been abused may choose to stay or find it hard to leave. There is not one simple reason; often, the abuser has firm control over them, their finances, and their children. Family roles and how family members interact with each other are under the abuser’s control making it difficult to reach out for help within the family. Many feel shame for enduring the abuse and often blame themselves.
The consequences of leaving can be severe. Individuals fleeing intimate partner violence can encounter loss on many levels: material, social, emotional, and personal.
Warning signs of abuse
- Blames others for problems
- Blames others for feelings
- Hypersensitivity
- Jealousy
- Controlling behaviour
- Quick involvement
- Unrealistic expectations
- Lack of remorse
- Isolation
- Rigid sex roles
- Non-consensual use of force during sex
- Cruelty to animals or children
- Breaking or throwing/punching objects
- Verbal abuse
- Threats of violence
- Physical Violence
Effects on children who witness abuse
Often when parents believe their children are not aware of what is happening, they can give complete descriptions of the abuse. When there is physical violence in abusive relationships, the children will most likely witness frequent emotional abuse of their mother such as: name-calling, accusations, and threats. Where the partner is being abused, the children are more likely to be abused as well.
Children who witness domestic violence are at risk for short and long-term harm.
Physical: headaches, sleeping problems, loss of appetite, bed-wetting.
Behavioural: compromised ability to regulate emotions, increased aggression, substance abuse.
Psychological/Emotional: anxiety, poor self-esteem, irritability, depression, post-traumatic stress.
Cognitive/Developmental: learning problems, poor verbal, or motor skills.
Social: isolation, lack of empathy, poor conflict-resolution skills.
Effects of abuse on adults
Self-doubt: constantly questioning, doubting own ideas, thoughts, feelings, and behaviour.
Difficulty caring for oneself: we frequently do a better job taking care of others than ourselves.
Poor body image: experience dissatisfaction with our appearance. Feeling ugly, too short, too fat, too tall, too skinny, too flat-chested, too thick-thighed. Physical shame sets up isolation and self destruction of fad diets, unnecessary surgeries, extensive treatments.
Not trusting ourselves: not trusting our instinct, feelings. We have little self-confidence.
Perfectionist: we attempt to be perfect to hide the broken self. We hide behind the image of being “all together”.
Fearfulness: fears become worries, obsession, anxiety, and phobias. The absence of a feeling of safety in our lives keeps us from really being ourselves.
Constant chaos or crisis: if we are in a whirlwind, nothing can touch us. Our problems are too big, but we feel truly alive if we’re in a state of intensity. Unfamiliar with a relaxed state – sleep disorders, we toss and turn and don’t sleep well or use sleep to avoid.
Mood swings: experience emotional ups and downs, lacking evenness of temperament. Things are either great or awful.
Nasty mood swings: anger and resentments sweep through us and out toward people around us.
Helper role: we adopt the role of helper, but we can’t ask for help ourselves. Being the helper gives us more control. We are the listener. The one with the advice. Many people can come to us, but we go to no one.
Blaming or taking all the blame: when things go wrong, we can’t take responsibility so it must be someone else’s fault, or we feel we are responsible and take all the blame.
