Alternatives for Women is here for anyone who is experiencing or fleeing intimate partner violence or domestic abuse, and for all the other people who care about them. People who are on the outside looking in.
They are concerned parents, strangers or coworkers. They have seen something in a relationship, or in the behaviour of a child/stranger/coworker that leads them to the conclusion that intimate partner violence is occurring. They want to know what they can do to help.
The first thing to do is to get to know the resources in your area.
As a start, this list is great. When the person you are concerned about is willing to talk with you, you might find out what other resources she might need or want.
While you may think you know the person that you are worried about, and know what services you think they would need, it makes sense to find out about all of these services.
You don’t know what you don’t know, so why not be prepared for anything?
This list includes the services that address the most common systemic barriers that prevent women from safely leaving an abusive situation.
It is, of course, not exhaustive. There may be other resources a person might need to help them address a barrier that holds them in place, tied to the abusive situation.
Once you have identified the agencies in your area that offer the kinds of services mentioned in the list, you can reach out to them to ask for help regarding what to do. This blog post will definitely be informative, but it can be hard to get all of your questions answered by a blog post. Speaking to a person will likely contribute to you feeling more confident that you know what to do.
Whether you speak to someone at each of the agencies or not, you do want to know where they are and what their contact information is. This is important information to have. If and when the person you are worried about is open to hearing about resources, you will have the key information immediately to hand.
You could even collect some materials (pamphlets, cards and booklets) from those agencies so that you can share them too. Again, this is only if the person you want to help wants to look at them or keep them. Many organizations that operate in the violence against women sector will even have materials that can be hidden in plain sight. That way the person that you are worried about can keep them without alerting their abuser to the fact that they have them.
Once you have informed yourself about all of the resources that are available in your area, and what their contact information is, there are a number of different things that you can do. First and foremost is to be a safe and trustworthy person. This means following the lead of the person you are worried about, and doing what you say you will do, and being open and non-judgmental.
Women who are experiencing intimate partner violence are vulnerable, even when they are strong. Women who are experiencing intimate partner violence deserve safety and transparency, and not to be judged for their choices. Women who are experiencing intimate partner violence almost always have their choices limited by their partner. Let them take the lead in getting support.
This can be difficult, especially if they are someone you care a lot about. You don’t have to wait for them to come to you, but you also don’t want to push. You can invite them to speak with you using questions like “what has been on your mind lately?” or “how does your partner emotionally support you?” or “I’ve noticed that …”.
This last one can be tricky. Following their lead means using the language that they use to describe situations. You may be certain that you are witnessing abuse, but if they aren’t calling it abuse, you shouldn’t either. If they aren’t calling their partner abusive or violent, then you shouldn’t either. They may say that their partner gets really angry sometimes, or “out of control.” They might tell you that they are working on their relationship, or that they wish it were different. Use that language when you talk to them. But mostly, your job is to listen carefully and compassionately to what they are telling you. You can ask caring questions such as “how do you feel when they get angry?” or “what do you do when they get out of control?” and “what happens afterwards?” and “how do you wish it were different?”
It’s also your job to be patient. You may find yourself having various versions of what feels like the same conversation over and over and over again. It’s important to remember that on average it takes a woman seven attempts in order to leave an abusive situation. If the person you are supporting wavers, or leaves and then goes back, do not judge them. Remain that safe person that they can reach out to when they are ready to talk about things.
Another important question you could ask is “how do you take care of yourself? Your kids? Your pets? Your parents?”. Very often abusive people will threaten to harm children, pets and parents as a way to further harm the person they are abusing. Showing that you understand this can help the person you are supporting to know that they are not alone in being worried about others.
Whether you start the conversation, or they do, it is crucial that you believe them and show that you believe them. This is very valuable, because it validates their experiences.
Far too often one of the forms of emotional and psychological abuse that women face is gas-lighting. Gas-lighting is manipulation meant to sow doubt, confusion and uncertainty in the minds of the person being abused. It leaves them wondering whether what they said (or did) is what they really said (or did). It leaves them wondering if they might be the person at fault, or if they somehow caused whatever is happening to them.
Whether or not they are being actively gaslit, women experiencing intimate partner violence often believe that they are somehow at fault. So, one key step is to reassure them that they are not at fault, that what is happening is not okay, and that nobody deserves to be treated as they are being treated. And then just keep listening without judgment and following their lead. When they are ready to make changes, they will let you know, if you have shown yourself to be a safe person to talk to – by believing them, and not judging them.
When they reach out for help, you can then share with them what you know about local resources. You can support them in reaching out to those resources, and you can continue to listen to them and follow their lead.
And always remember that you are not alone. As a friend, loved one or family member of someone you suspect is experiencing relationship abuse, you might be struggling too. Reach out to the organization or agency that deals specifically with violence against women. They can support and guide you as you support your loved one.
