Escaping Abuse Isn’t Easy. Here’s What Survivors and Experts Want You to Know.

How to Leave—and Stay Safe
Even so, I had privilege: a master’s degree, a job with benefits, friends, even if I was too ashamed to tell many of them about the ongoing violence. For survivors, it’s often small, hidden strategies that open a path to freedom.

Here’s where to start:

To stay or not. Sound familiar? It’s not that bad. Maybe it’ll change. Therapy will help. It doesn’t happen all the time. It’s my fault. They’re a good parent. My kids need a family.

It is. It won’t. It won’t. It will again. It’s not. They’re not. You all deserve safety.

If they can control their anger in public, abuse in private is a choice. Dr. Jekyll doesn’t make up for Mr. Hyde. Seeing through the mask and knowing you’re not worthless is a vital hurdle.

Tell someone. Sharing the truth with someone you trust creates a lifeline: someone who can check in and help plan for safety. Look for hotlines, local shelters and organizations. Birdsey’s work friends listened without judgment and eventually helped her leave.

Have a safety plan. Leaving is one of the most dangerous times, said Crystal Justice, chief external affairs officer at the National Domestic Violence Hotline. A safety plan lowers risks by outlining steps, like securing housing and prepping a go-bag. Find an advocate through a hotline to work on your plan. Get started with The Hotline’s guide.

Stash money. If you don’t have income or it’s monitored, get cash back when you shop. Hide the cash or use prepaid cards. Ask for gift cards in lieu of gifts on special occasions.

Get ready. Pack a go-bag and hide it or give it to someone you trust. (Here’s a checklist of items from Colorado-based Crossroads Safehouse.) Create a safe word or phrase to alert kids or trusted people when it’s time.

Consider transport. Keep a spare car key hidden. Back into the driveway or parking spot so you can leave quickly. Plan a ride or map your public transit route to safety.

Be digitally safe. If you’re making plans on a shared or monitored device, clear your search history, use incognito mode and consider a prepaid phone. Be mindful of location sharing.

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